Lif is....

I have so much I want to say, yet I sit here and stare at the blinking cursor.  What better way than to start a blog by saying that?

What am I feeling?  Why did I open up my blog and click on "New Entry?"  I feel like I want to share something with my readers, yet....I'm not sure what.

I'll tell you what though, this single life thing is turning out pretty good.  I've been able to establish who I am as a person, and what I want out of life.  I have been accepted into CSU so I can finish my business degree.  I'm stoked!!!!  I have a promotion coming to me in the very near future.  My health is fantastic.  Tomorrow will mark the 4th month of my new smoke free life.  My boys are happy.  All in all, life is good!

I have put all dating interests aside.  Now, please don't take that as a pluralized number of candidates.  It's simply to be translated into the fact that I have put my dating lifestyle on hold.  My schedule is now open, and I'm actually enjoying it.  I'm using my spare time to do things for me, not to worry about what I'm going to wear that night.  I'm done with the game of, "Gee, I wonder if he likes me.  Should I call him?  No, he should call me first."  I'm focusing on my family and my friends, and my inner being.

Love is out there somewhere.  Everyone finds it somehow.  Right now, it's just not for me.  I'm not interested in finding love.  I'm not interested in having a boyfriend at the moment.  Eventually, sure I'd like to have one.  Eventually I want to fall hopelessly in love again.  But I'm just not ready to sail in that boat yet.  I'm enjoying who I am right now.

When I was a child, my grandma told me, "If you're looking for something, stop looking for it and it will find you."  I always used that for whenever I lost something, i.e. my favorite sunglasses, or the missing shoe.  I'm going to apply that to my life now.  I can only control certain things, but I have decided it's time to stop trying to control my relationships.  I believe they should only happen naturally.  So...with that being said, I'm no longer "looking" for love.  I will just let it find me.  Let's just hope I'm not blind when it's staring me in the face!

Wow, for not knowing what to say, that's a lot of saying going on.  I'm happy where I am right now.  I'm not stressing out, nor am I worried about anything.  My finances are being taken care of, things are working as they should.

Life is good.

Wordless Wednesday 3.17.09

Not Me Monday - 3/15/10

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by Mckmama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week, but here is what I haven't been doing:



Spring is upon us here in our great wonderful state!  I decided it was a great day for hiking, so I packed up my three boys, our lunch, and away into the hills we went.  We hiked and hiked and hiked and hiked until we couldn't hike anymore.  Well, the kids got hungry.  So my hiking partner and I turned them around and took them back to the trailhead for food.  On the way back, the wee little Prince was tired, his feet were wet, so up on my back he went, piggy style.

As we were not trecking along, my foot DID NOT find a hole, thus NOT resulting in the rolling of my ankle under not only my weight, but my son's on top of it.  No thanks to my new hearing aids, I didn't hear the sound of "snap-crackle-pop" as I went down.  Luckily, I got my balance back without losing my kid.  My friend swooped my son off my back and we went along.  I kept waiting for the pain to set in.  I just knew it was going to hurt.  But no pain was felt as we kept on going.  Not even a flinch.  Driving all the way home, no sign of any injury.

Until the boot came off.  Holy-mother-of-everything-under-the-sun!!!  My foot DID NOT immediately swell up like a balloon.  Nothing like this: 

OW.  And this was the morning after.  Ouch.

So off to Urgent Care I went.  After nearly 4 hours of waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more, the final diagnosis is "Severe Ankle Sprain."  Doc said I would have been better off with a broken ankle, it'd hurt less.  I tore up my ligaments all around the top of my foot as well as my ankle bone.

And went home with this:

Doctor's orders:  Use crutches and air cast until pain subsides.  He DID NOT add, "Oh, and that could take up to 6 weeks."

Seriously?

Ugh.

Thank goodness for 3 VERY helpful boys.

♥ I miss you ♥

I remember the smell of his Old Spice.  I swear I can still smell it even though the bottle was tossed.


I remember the smile on his face when I walked into the room.  He was always so happy to see me.


I remember his laugh whenever I poked fun at him.  His humor was dry, and if he laughed, it was an honor to be the one to make him finally laugh.  Yet, I never had any trouble getting him to do it.


I remember his snore.  The family would be laughing, talking; kids were running around; and in the middle of it all, there he was, in his big green chair - snoring.


When I was a little girl, he'd take me out on walks through the woods by his condo.  We would pick flowers to take back to Grandma.  He would tell me to watch my step.  We'd find the coolest looking walking sticks.  He would tell me what birds or animals we were looking at.


Every Christmas he was in charge of order.  He would try with all his might, no matter how complicated, to keep order in chaos.  There were 4 trashcans through out the room and we were all to properly dispose of our wrapping papers.  However, without fail, every single year, the family would turn it into a basketball game with balls of wrapping paper flying across the room.  "Now would you knock that off?  You're a bunch of grown ups acting like children!  Oh for Christ's sake, you missed!  Now go pick that up and put it IN THE TRASH BUCKET!" 


"I know you're 30 something years old, but dammit, you're my granddaughter and I'm very proud of you."


I miss you Grandpa.  So much.  Your passing has caused silence in the house.  Christmas isn't the same without you.  LIFE isn't the same without you.  Someday I will see you again on the other side.


I love you.


In memory of Gerald Priebe  10/25/29 - 3/11/09  Always remembered, always loved.

Thoughts

Emotions.

They're everywhere.

Whether you like it or not, they happen.

There's just one thing to always remember.

That it will be ok.

And no matter what,

Above all else, remember the one most important thing....

You are never, ever alone.

Oh to be single again...

The last couple of months have been quite unnerving for me. I have walked a mile in the shoes of a married woman, and I am now walking the next mile in the shoes of a single mom.


I remember being single, but that was 16 years ago! Oh those were the days!!! I didn't care about anything. My roommate and I partied quite frequently. I had two or three jobs, depening on the week. I could get by on three hours' sleep. Rent got paid (barely), Ramen and beer was nearly the daily meal. I lived next door to a Vietnamese woman who I swear cooked cats. She was always cooking something that emitted an extremely repulsive odor - so repulisve even the hairs in your nose curled up. I suppose that was the price to pay for our loud rock music we loved to blast out on a nightly basis. Friends came and went, people were always at our apartment, sleeping on our couch. Boys called or paged me constantly. (Yes, I'm THAT old to have had a pager before cell phones were even popular!) My bedroom wasn't the most kept room, it was livable, but I honestly don't remember seeing my floor much. My biggest worry was if I had enough quarters to feed the washing machine so I could have clean clothes.  If I actually had enough for the dryer, it was a good day!


And now, not so much. I have a hard time staying awake after having only 6 hours of sleep the night before. My biggest worry is the safey of my children. I have men calling and texting me all hours of the day and night, begging me for a date. I dread the dating scene. I really do! I'm not made for this single life I now live. You mean some where in the middle of checking homework, cooking dinner, house cleaning, paying bills I'm supposed to have a social life?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Oh right, I'm supposed to take time out for myself now. I forget how to do that. Oh you mean I can actually go hang out with my friends on a night I don't have my kids? Really? Seriously? ~ Pssst How do I DO that? ~  Let me get back to you after I send in my car payment....

First Date - Part One

Your stomach feels like it is in knots.  You stand nearly naked in front of your closet.  With anxiety, you try to select that perfect outfit.  You throw on a pair of jeans - you shout to your body "Why, today of all DAYS, do you have to be bloated??"  Sucking that gut in as much as it will suck in, you snap the button.  To your horror, they're a little too tight for THIS night.  They join the heap of clothes that have already been attempted 4 times prior.  The next pair are too baggy.  You're feeling a little like Goldilocks who just wants a little porridge.  You beg the last pair to fit JUST right, "Please, that's all I ask.  I promise to use a little extra Downy the next time I wash you."  With relief, they fit every curve of your legs just as you want.  You turn to inspect your butt, and there it is - looking gloriously tempting.  The evil smirk slowly crosses your face, then quickly escapes as you realize you're only half way there.  

The first shirt makes your chin look like it's trying to jump off your face.  The 2nd shirt apparently became the dryer's latest victim because you're sure you finished growing years ago.  This time Goldilocks just wants a nice chair to sit in.  Finally, the last shirt fits just right.  You're sure your date won't stare too long at your cleavage tonight.  Or so you hope... 

Now on for the next challenge - the hair.  With horror, you look in the mirror and realize it is completely unacceptable.  Armed with a brush, curling iron, and hairspray, you begin your piece of art.  As luck would have it, the curls are just too curly.  Out comes the flat iron to flatten them down. You stand back and inspect...is looks good.  You give your head a shake to make sure everything stays in place.  *zoink!*  Much to your horror, a strand of gray hair stands straight up.  With a pluck, it's gone.  *zoink!*  Another gray hair makes it's appearance.  After a few more plucks, you give up and hope he doesn't pay too much attention to them.  Walking out of the bathroom feeling a little like a character out of a Dr. Seuss story, you try to forget how many gray hairs dance atop your head.  Making a mental note to make an appointment at the salon the next chance you get, you head for your shoes.  After trying on 5 pairs of shoes, you finally select the pair that seal your look.

Dispite your battles, you find you are 20 minutes too early for his arrival.  Now you try to figure out how to not appear so anxious upon his arrival.  Should you watch a TV show?  No, nothing interesting is on.  Plus, you don't want to miss hearing the doorbell.  Your stomach growls, so you head to the kitchen.  Wait, he's taking you to dinner...you sure don't want to be too full!  How rude would it be to not eat everything when he's paying the tab!!  You pick up a book and sit at the couch which sits next to the door.  Well that wouldn't be a good idea, if he should happen to see you through the window, he'll see that you're waiting for him, and well - you just can't have that!!  Your final decision finds you in the bathroom fighting those stupid gray hairs again.  After the 6th plug, as you fight away the feeling that maybe you're just too old for this anymore, the doorbell rings.

You freeze.  *gasp*  He's here.  You stare at your image that seems to be telling you to "hurry up and answer the damn door or he's going to go away and you just lost your chance at what could possibly be the best night of your life."  Your feet seem to respond and you quickly, while trying not to run, get to the door.  Forget trying not to look too anxious, you are and you know there's no point in trying to hide it.  The door seems to open before you even get the chance to touch it. 

There he is.  Oh God.  Your date.  The jitters really go crazy at this point.  You try to smile in a calm manner and be sure to compliment something.  You look; his shirt looks good, his hair looks good, his pants look great on him - lovely, this man is flawless.  "You look great!" as you smile and grab your purse.

The night begins.

Awake

The spirit that lay slumber inside the deep forest of the woods begins to stir.  She blinks her eyes, rubs them open a little more.  As she peers through the darkness, she can see a speck of light beyond the trees.  With curiousity, she moves closer to the light, a warmth begins to move through her veins.  Each step is taken cautiously; the fear of danger looms inside.  Each foot tip toes forward, one in front of the other, slowly.  The closer she moves to the light, the bigger it gets.  Her smile creeps across her face, her heart starts to pound with excitment.  There is a sense of familiarity, but a sense of something completely new.  Feeling courageous, she begins to sprint forward, eager for the new adventure.  She can only hope that this new discovery will only bring her nothing but good things.